SERIES 1 "THE MAN WHO NEVER WAS"

LOCATION
LONDON MIDLAND TRAIN, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NORTHAMPTON AND LONDON.

TUESDAY 5TH FEBRUARY 2011
9.25am – 9.35am

C A S T.

DEAN KELLAND…..TONY
COMMUTER 1 (FEMALE)…..HERSELF
COMMUTER 2 (FEMALE)…..HERSELF
TRAIN MANAGER…..HIMSELF

Written by DEAN KELLAND

After the disruption caused at New Street Station by the cancelled service direct to London the number of commuters had swelled significantly at the alternative departure point of Northampton Station. As a result of the increased number of travellers crammed onto the train, seating reservations had been dispensed with and the uncomfortable arrangement had left some travellers inconvenienced…


DEAN/TONY: (In manner of Hancock – Looks at ticket a couple of times and stands over the person occupying “his” seat) (Coughs twice and pauses) Ah! I am afraid that you are in my seat, there it is C12a, right there on my ticket. Sorry about this.

COMMUTER 1: (Defensively) I thought that seat reservations were cancelled?

DEAN/TONY: Well I do have the ticket for this seat though. I booked in advance you see. I’m off to Hampton Court to see Ray Galton and Alan Simpson. If you don’t mind (Lifts his bag slightly and looks up to examine the crowded luggage rack above the seats)

COMMUTER 1: (Slightly irritated) Huh, I’ll move then shall I!

(COMMUTER 1 gets up off the seat and grabs her bag from the luggage rack. She then storms off towards the opposite end of the carriage.)

DEAN/TONY: Thank you.

(Dean starts to put his bag in the luggage rack and makes one last remark to the already departed commuter.)

DEAN/TONY: Yes I think there are a few seats left down there.

COMMUTER 2: (Now sitting opposite DEAN/TONY) Very busy today for some reason?

DEAN/TONY: Yes the London train was cancelled at New Street; everyone booked on it has been redirected here. I’m hoping that I’ll get to London in time. I have to get to Hampton Court you see; I have a meeting with Ray Galton and Alan Simpson.

COMMUTER 2: Hampton Court is nice.

DEAN/TONY: Well I don’t know how much of the actual place I’ll see, I’ll be at Ray’s house.

(Dean stands up and reaches up to the luggage rack. Rummaging around in his bag he removes a set of notes and a pencil)

DEAN/TONY: Well I better get prepared then, make sure I’m on the ball for Ray and Alan.

COMMUTER 2: (Raises her gaze from her book and looking unimpressed nods silently).

TRAIN MANAGER: (Walking into the carriage slowly and purposefully) Tickets please, all tickets from Northampton.

DEAN/TONY: Ah, here’s my ticket. Seat C12a, all booked in advanced.

TRAIN MANAGER: Well technically sir because of the problems at New Street we’re just honouring tickets for travel. You haven’t really got a seat reserved on this train. The seat you have reserved is on a train that’s stuck in Milton Keynes somewhere (smiling jovially)

DEAN/TONY: Oh.

COMMUTER 2: (Raises her gaze from her book again and looks accusingly at Dean/Tony having witnessed his discussion with Commuter 1 earlier. Raises her eyebrow).

DEAN/TONY: (As if to respond to the silent gesture from Commuter 2) Well surely because I booked early, in advance, my seat reservation would be honoured above say someone with a standard ticket?

TRAIN MANAGER: I’m afraid not sir, unfortunately we haven’t the capacity with our systems to selectively offer seats, if there is a problem we have to simply cancel all reservations and make it first come first serve.

COMMUTER 2: (Raises her gaze from her book yet again and looks further accusingly at Dean/Tony after the train manager’s explanation).

DEAN/TONY: (Quietly and awkwardly and to no-one in particular) Well I’ve got to get to Ray Galton’s house haven’t I, couldn’t prepare for that standing up all the way.

COMMUTER 1: (Walks past Dean/Tony with her bag in hand in search of a seat in the next carriage. She clearly sighs loud enough to be heard by the person now occupying her former position) Huhhhh.

COMMUTER 2: (Raises her gaze from her book).